Dear,

Who knows if you’ll ever find this, but I’m going to send it out into the universe and trust that if it’s meant to find you, it will.

Can you believe I wrote this?!  Of all the people in the world, it’s you who would understand.  At one time we thought it would be a happy love story that held the potential to help people in so many ways.

Though it did not become the story of “my” dreams, it did become a story of transformation and meaning.  It became a story of a much bigger love…

When we met, I didn’t know how lost I was.  Though I was on the right path in terms of appearances, I was deeply wounded and desperately avoidant.  The walls around me were impressive (to say the least).  I was terrified of how you saw me so completely.  I’m sorry for running and pushing you away and testing you.  I see now that you just wanted to love me.  I wasn’t capable of receiving it then, and I’m sorry.

I used to tell you how I felt sad for the us of the beginning of our story…the innocence of two souls that were in pure bliss having finally found each other.  Only to destroy every chance through our darkness.  That still makes me sad.

Nevertheless, I do understand the purpose of our meeting and hold our time together in reverence for what it’s done for me.   You’ve been my greatest teacher.

Loving you ripped me open.

It made me learn things about myself that I never would have otherwise.  It taught me that self-centeredness made me careless with people’s hearts.  Even with my own child’s.  I hate that.  It showed me all the things that I was doing to keep love out.  That the time that feels like the time to withdrawal love, is the exact time not to.  It taught me what love does not do.  

Loving you made me better.

When I really think about it, I’m amazed!  I am a different person and am so grateful for how far I’ve come.  I am tenacious.  Remember you used to call me that when you couldn’t think of something nice to say?  I like that about me now because I also learned when to let go.  I am a lover AND a fighter.  Both are true.  By the way, I started boxing.  I wanted to tell you so bad because we talked about that too.  It’s been amazing.  I find myself smiling spontaneously while doing it (which also kind of makes me question my sanity).

I can feel the friction between us across the miles…we ended in such an ugly way.  And though, to me, there is a clear distinction between you and “you,” it is an important part of a human’s destiny to be responsible for our actions. How could we grow otherwise?

We would always talk about how fucked up the world is, but I’m not sure we understood that it’s our fault.  All of us.  We fail it by neglecting ourselves.

If you want to be a scumbag, it IS well within your ‘right’ to do so.  You were correct in saying that.  Though how you could choose that after some of the things we experienced shows a lack of sanity in the truest sense.  There’s a price to pay for living like that, and it breaks my heart for you. As you know, I’ve been there too.

While we both know that the ‘hypothetical’ occurrence of finding another woman’s article of clothing in your significant other’s car may be “normal,” it certainly is not conducive to a safe, loving, healthy relationship, is it? Yet, these are the types of “normal” examples you liked to compare us to.

When we stand by and let things happen that are hurtful to another person, we too become the perpetrators.  And I’m not just talking about physical harm.  All harm.  To show a badge of “loyalty” to such destruction (no matter how seemingly small), minimizes and perpetuates insanity flawlessly. To pretend that it’s none of our business, borderline sociopathic. People are our business. Honesty is our business.

Cheating and lying is ok? These are normal? Maybe so in parts of this world, but never in love. In some manifestation of fear, yes.

At the same time, how could anyone see these things if they’re living in survival mode?  How can you thrive and reach your potential and truly help others?  Busyness and money and things and puddle-deep relationships don’t serve you or anyone.  They’re meaningless without bringing meaning to them.  They won’t fill the hole.

If I could give one last gift to your children, it’s this…

At 40 years old, I find my relationship with my own mother still too painful to be a part of.  She’s been allowed to disappear repeatedly and come back wreaking fresh havoc time and time again.  Few hold her accountable, enabling a dark sense of entitlement and refusal to look in the mirror.  She can hurt whoever she wants, do whatever she wants. Then, run away again.  Why should she change?  Why should the mother of your children change?  You welcoming her back like nothing ever happened, telling everyone that she’s the crazy one because it’s easier for you not to look at your own part, not helpful.  For your children, love that woman.  Hold her accountable.  Please. Maybe their story could be different.

Finally, you made my child cry.  You left at the beginning of a real-life nightmare, treated me in ways I didn’t deserve, and destroyed the most amazing ‘almost’ love story. That’s why the first thing you did was block me, huh? It’s not that easy to look into the eyes of people you’ve hurt. Yeah…I know about that too.

And…

I don’t believe for one second that that’s who you really are.

I want you to know that you don’t have to worry about me.  Without an apology, I forgive you and hope you can forgive my shortcomings as well.  For me it’s water under the bridge (do the hand motion).

I love you, and I still don’t care. It’s just in my DNA. You don’t have to love me back. You don’t have to choose me. After all these years, finally accepting that, frees me. Love frees me.

It’s a different type of love, you know?  An indestructible one. One greater than romance and not contingent upon a relationship.  It is sacred just like you said all those years ago.  I love something beyond who you are as a person. By the way, how could someone who has seen so much be naïve in matters of the heart? If anything, it makes for truer vision…

The label never mattered. Whatever we are, the point is that only the love mattered.  Much of our story here was not that.  I do believe though that true love can exist peacefully under certain conditions.

Thankfully, you showed the light in me. Could there be a better gift?  You showed me what I am not… 

I am not this body.  I am not this story.  I am so much more, and so are you. So is everybody.  That was the point all along…love another without conditions, reflect my own worthiness, love me in spite of my ugliness. Then, share that with the world, warts and all.

Perhaps Earth is not yet ready for such a love.  Maybe you were right…maybe next lifetime?

If I never see you again, know that I’m proud of us anyway.  Proud of my newfound depth and my now open heart and what it took to get it.  I’m proud of you too and believe in you.  I know that if you stay sober, you’ll eventually find your way and be able to live true to you.  By doing that, you automatically do right by everyone you love and by those who love you. 

Your soul is still the most breathtaking one I’ve encountered yet.  Don’t give up.  Don’t stop fighting for you.  The world needs you.  Be brave.  Face your dragon. You are not a monster. Pride is.  Fear is shit, and feelings are not as scary as they seem either (if I can say that you know it’s true).  There is a whole new existence waiting for you.  I hope you find it.

So, all that remains now is the memory…of a love lost to the world but gained in me.  I pray to always be grateful for the light I found in my love.

Thank you. Fuck “you.” Thuck you! Just kidding (kind of).

Until next time…here or hereafter…

Like my Great-Grandma Lucy used to say, “Oceans of love!”

Samantha

P.S.  Therapy only helps if you tell the truth. Also, I’m pretty sure no man has ever died as a result of getting their girlfriend flowers.  They have some decent bouquets at the grocery store for like $8. They have greeting cards there too.  You know, for birthdays and special occasions.  You’re welcome 😊

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