Chapter 29

/ Samantha Elle

Years ago, my love gave me a book off his parent’s bookshelf. It was about John Adams and included letters between him and his wife, Abigail.  He said that their love reminded him of ours…how they could talk about anything, were the best of friends, and had a mutual, unmatched affection…

~

After Betsy died, I knew that all that she would want from me was to stay sober and to help other people. I remember looking up to the sky and promising her that I would. I also told myself that because of her, I would know what to do in any situation, but then all these things started to happen that I had never experienced before, and I found that I didn’t know what to do…

Something in me was still stirring and I carried this unsettling feeling about the world…my world…my daughter, my job, my relationship. I needed help. I remembered a therapist I had as a teenager…a woman who I had forgotten for so long, but someone I knew once cared about me greatly. She knew me when I was close to my worst and, even in all my ugliness, still wanted to help me…

I googled her name and found that she was still practicing and only 10 minutes from my house. I threw up my hands in a way that said, “Fuck it,” and emailed her late that night.

What do I have to lose? Surely there was no way she would remember me after all these years anyway…

I received a response early the very next morning. She did remember me and later told me that I was one of her earliest patients. I was also one of her most difficult one’s…trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma she said…couldn’t communicate to save my life…she was so happy to learn that I was sober.

I started to see her on a weekly basis (for the most part), and we began to unravel it all. I quickly discovered, however, that I still had such a fucking hard time talking! Ugh…it was so frustrating, but she presented to me an unbiased mirror that I needed to look at. There was no judgement in the way she handled me. I simply needed to see some things, keep going and not give up on myself. She showed me that I had in fact come a long way and that mattered, but that I still had a ways to go (and still do) and that that’s ok too.

I told her of everything that my daughter had experienced in the past few years and that I was scared that I had no idea what I was doing. She sympathized with me/her and suggested maybe we bring her in for a light chat just to gauge her generally.

I took my daughter with me a few times and we kept it fun but focused…played a game while talking about her experiences and residual feelings regarding them. To my surprise, she didn’t appear to have any residual feelings. She genuinely didn’t. She was able to talk about everything openly and was truly understanding and accepting.  At least in that moment she was, and that moment was all we really had…(kids have taught me more in this life than most anybody). It was time to let all of that go to the best of my ability and just be present with my child.

The next glaring issue, my job.  The money was good, and I was learning a lot, but…I was exhausted.  Exhausted of being away from my daughter so much, of having to prove myself endlessly as one of few women there, of not loving my life anymore.  To the dismay of some, I just don’t love money enough to deem any of that a worthy sacrifice.  My therapist started planting alternative seeds in my mind eventually leading to, “What about starting your own business?”

Finally, it was time to honestly look at my relationship.  I’m fascinated (in a terrified way) by the mind…how easy it is to deceive oneself.  Once I started telling my therapist all the facts of my relationship, it became harder and harder to lie to myself much longer (though I am impressively stubborn and masochistically loyal, so why not drag it out to the bitter end?).  I needed help to ask the hard questions. Denial is not helpful (and this is why we need each other).

He was supportive of me going to therapy as, of course, I really needed it.  He even came with me a few times and contributed a potentially great idea…we would write each other letters. With all my heart, I loved that thought!  For a brief blip of time, I was full of hope for us again.

Superficially, we were on the right road.  Though, it is evident now how our motives were opposing one another…mine to demolish what wasn’t working and to find and fix the cracks…his, cosmetics…

We wrote back and forth a few times, but then there was friction between us again in real life. So, I did the only thing I knew with certainty that I could do and do well…I wrote him a letter. This particular letter was the most heartfelt, soul-saturated letter I had ever written in my life. I wish I still had it, so that I could reminisce verbatim, but since I don’t, I will share my favorite part of it loosely…

My dear,

When we were separated a few years ago, I had the most amazing dream…

I was in a restaurant full of people. It was so loud that I couldn’t even hear myself think. I don’t know who the people were and there were so many, I couldn’t make out one singular feature to note about any of them.

I sat on a bench at one end of a long rectangular table and saw you at the other side of the room. You saw me too and tried to make your way over, but there were too many people…too much in between us. You couldn’t get to me. I saw you duck, and I ducked too so I wouldn’t lose you. You crawled to me, and we held onto each other. We were surrounded by strangers standing all around us. I closed my eyes and didn’t want to let go, because what if I couldn’t find you again?

When I opened my eyes, it was quiet and instead of people, we were surrounded by trees…just trees…it was Our Universe, and it was breathtaking…

I awaited his response while trying to keep my expectations in check as to what that would be. A few weeks later, I received a very short letter in return with no acknowledgement of my letter at all.  He never mentioned anything about it over the phone either…

“All the letters I receive from you seem to be written in so much haste that they scarcely leave room for a social feeling. They let me know that you exist, but some of them contain scarcely six lines. I want some sentimental effusions of the heart. I am sure you are not destitute of them,” Abigail Adams to John (July 16, 1775).

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12 thoughts on “Chapter 29”

  2. That is the amazing thing about our species, the male isn’t brought up but kicked in the ass and told to ‘get up’ (you know, be tough, be strong, no emotions etc). And they think after a lifetime that this is normal and have the expectations to match. You ladies on the other hand have been raised with such feelings to match every situation and also give from that place from a lifetime of being raised and living that way. Then you meet, it’s like another world. And don’t forget the fears unintentionally raised with both. He will think that those short notes are perfection, to the point, and expressing much in few words. You ladies want it expressed so that it can be felt in every nuance possible, the heart, the affection, even to smell the note itself so that an acceptance can be felt in the attitude behind it.
    But that is our journey, to test those waters of expectations in both, to let them all go so that we finally see behind it, and see that our fears were blocking the love in it all. Our hearts are very flexible, but if you hurt it the walls come up, and down, and up, and down. The scarring seems to toughen it as time goes by but if we talk, of all things as it can cause such pain, an opening can be found. At first a medium to express the pain, secondly to understand it, thirdly to dare to step past what it initially means to you individually, then the love in that bonding you’ve shared.
    A friend is currently in a similar situation. He has been truly hurt as a child and can’t express his feelings at all so focuses totally on the moment and doesn’t like to be distracted because it means he has to answer questions that he doesn’t think that he can (self worth issues), she raised by parents that wanted justification in all that she did, so throws that at others thinking this is normal (and the only way she thinks she can get that love and attention). The explosion has been powerful, and they find it difficult to get past those levels that to them feel normal.
    We all tread this path in many ways, but always the common denominator is trying to gain that love…but in doing so we ask each other to go beyond ‘our’ fears. But…that is the one thing that breaks our walls, slowly giving us an understanding of just those things so that we remove those bindings of conditional love, those conditions of our fears to slowly open our hearts back up and become a love that is unconditional.
    Why is it all so emotionally painful? Because this very journey teaches us empathy and compassion, and a love beyond words. If I just give you something it is not truly appreciated. But if you have to work and work hard, spend a lifetime struggling with something until you find its answer…then you will truly appreciate that journey, especially when at its end you find something so incredibly unexpected and so powerfully beautiful to be beyond words. It is a very profound moment when you touch it, after so much heartache, an acceptance and love of you…unconditionally. In that final moment of understanding…I would do it again in an instant…in what I had now found, an answer to that love and happiness we had ever searched for. It all does have a very beautiful purpose, each and every step, good and bad. It teaches us love even though we can’t see it for a long time…but it is there…and always has been, guiding us through the pain to reach it.
    And the therapy, worth its weight in gold. A safe place to open and share what is truly there. Even to allow us to see things never before dared. Break through into the light and go beyond our darkness. Because what we do, in our upbringing, seems so normal to us…it touches others so hard. Simply because we want to be in that ‘safe’ place and ‘others’ want us to be in theirs. And those steps, all those relationships will give us courage the further we go beyond them, break down our walls and teach us to love so much more clearly…for both. All encounters teach both.
    Another great post Samantha. You are putting your heart ‘out there’, talking to the world in that truth, that love that is you. It is that courage, an acceptance of you by expressing it…and indeed builds that self worth that our fears had diminished ❤️🙏🏽

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    • You bring up a good point that I hope to touch on at some point soon…the contrasts of men and women. In this particular instance, I was wanting to be ‘seen’ by him, and it just didn’t happen. The letters became more of an obligation than something of the heart. Still to this day, my female mind has a hard time comprehending…if the woman you love pours her heart out to you, how can you not see that?

      As for your friends, may they each use the pain to ignite the courage it would take to look at their own reflections instead of blaming the other. May they see that this is the blessing of relationship (though it can feel like a curse at times 🙂 ).

      Thank you, Mark! You’re so right…I wouldn’t trade any of this. I fought my way through and earned every scar. Still willing to fight any dragon that comes my way and willing to stand by anyone fighting their own. Seems to be the way ❤

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      • Because the male of the species (and will vary because of upbringing), does not understand how to deal with emotions (being blocked by dad to be tough and not weak so he can protect and support his family), your emotions on paper frightens him. Give him a broken window or car and he’s right as rain. So when you feel ignored or treated poorly because of that, you get upset at him, point the finger of no love etc. But in reality he is giving everything to you in that love…by supporting you (just not well emotionally), and protecting you from the world. You ask him of something he does not know or understand properly. The exact same thing is if he very lovingly asked you to get a set square and accurately make a box out of wood. You too would be lost. He isn’t in the wrong, and neither are you. That book ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ (or something similar), are not wrong. We just have to appreciate we are crossing over our barriers into another land, both need to stop and appreciate that it will be a hard journey…but a beautiful one. And both remember…what we are asking, that seems so simple to each of us individually, is quite difficult for the other. It isn’t a personal attack but a reaction of fear because we have just asked them to jump off a cliff…it isn’t a cliff to the ask’er because they do it all the time, they are used to doing what they ask…and can’t see the difficulty for others. And yes, it does indeed seem to be a personal attack by the other so it hurts…but in truth it is just their fear speaking. But by it’s end, maybe many relationships later, you can both stand on that mountain top in silence and enjoy the view. You will both know where you are in your hearts, where you’ve both been, and appreciate the difference. This is love found, the unconditional variety. Those things we finally ‘understand’…we let go. Unconditional love is that place where we have finally ‘let it all go’, a pure appreciation of that journey and especially in us for doing it…a self love finally unobstructed. It is a hard journey Samantha, but truly it is giving us something so beautiful in its understanding. Myself personally, and any other who has been through it…when I ask was it worth it, all say the one thing (besides a great big fat smile), they would do it again in an instant in that understanding. Breathe dear lady, it is a struggle, but the destination is beyond words ❤️🙏🏽

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      • You’ve opened my mind…there are some things you said here that I will need to consider and probably come back to. There is so much I’ve wondered about as it pertains to relationships…this one mostly as it was so powerful. Is it because of the disadvantage of not being emotionally available to oneself, that the male would have little specificity to who he expresses his love? Because a man would protect any woman, no (theoretically)? Would fix anyone’s broken window…anything that makes them feel useful and needed as dictated by how the world defines the worth of a man. So how is love expressed by a man distinguished? Or it’s not distinguished, not supposed to be? Also, surely there’s a biological drive to account for. How could a woman feel wanted in a meaningful way under such conditions? If what she has, is for anyone? Just thinking out loud…thanks again, Mark ❤

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      • Your on the right track Samantha. A man is brought up to protect his partner/family…to him this is how he expresses that love. You on the other hand have been brought up with cuddles and sweet words and emotions to suit…everything. He gets sort of used to the cuddles and words…but…our fears tear holes in much. If he has also been treated poorly by mom, he will keep his distance emotionally so he doesn’t get hurt…your attempts will get rebuffs, distance etc. AND because you don’t want to be hurt you then step back also. A negative loop. It can get very complicated with it all…but…the one thing, regardless of the pain or the direction it comes from, is to keep talking, and the more truthful it is, the more loving it is. If someone says to you ‘go away’ you feel uncomfortable, don’t understand what drives it and leaves you confused and more likely touches on ‘your’ self worth and upsets you. But if that same person says ‘go away, I’m not very happy and I need some time to myself because I’ve been upset by something’, straight away you have empathy for them…simply because of one thing. They have trusted you to open and speak to you. Automatically that builds trust, the foundation of love. Even if the experience was aimed at something that happened with you, it builds that trust and love because they have been truthful with you. While ever they give you a ‘reaction’ that hurts, like being told to go away and nothing else, it only builds more confusion, especially if the intent is to hurt. But if you stop and quietly speak exactly how it has made you or them feel, and in fact needs both to speak truthfully from the heart, it builds that love, even if they are pointing the finger at something either have done. A truth is that love, a lie is fear. Love builds, fears tears down…and in doing them we learn that. And finally understand it is also ‘our’ love that we speak by. No self worth tends to drag us from that ‘reaction’ side, where more self worth will ask us to speak from the heart and speak from there. And yes, all those emotions inside us are built from our experiences and can get crazy, in us all. But we will attract those very people that push our buttons so that we can see ‘us’, understand us and slowly break through our pain and fears into that loving truth of us. The fears are those words and actions of that non belief in ourselves, those doubts we build inside us from those childhoods we all go through. You have been through much, very much, and can ‘feel’ your truth closer in your actions compared to what went before. Look back years ago…would you like to be back there? I think not as you do ‘feel’ you have come past so much, and now know you are in a better place. And yes, sometimes your partner may not be ready to open so fully because it is so fearful to them. We may go as far as we can…and move on. But as long as you realize it is not you that are afraid to go somewhere within yourself. We cannot change another, they must do this themselves. But we can change us and when we open further and further and let go those things that used to drive us, a peace will descend so that you can speak more and more openly, become that trust and love within yourself, and attract accordingly. Big hugs dear lady, it is a testing time in so many ways…but…it is building something wonderful 😀❤️🙏🏽

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      • I missed something in my answer Samantha, a man is still attracted to just you, as you are to him. He just expresses it differently. He can still want to bring ‘you’ flowers, and not another etc so that love is still towards you. It is just expressed from a place that you are not used to. Now don’t get me wrong, a man can still love emotionally just as you do, but like you he will have ‘bits’ that when touched upsets him just as your ‘bits’ upset you. And we all have our buttons pushed. And I ‘feel’ that all the off handed ways you have been treated has left you feeling ‘unloved’ in such a way that it constantly leaves you feeling it to the max. An example…when we are treated by our parents in an unloving way, we want that love so much more and feel terrible when anyone treats us in the same way. And then, as you go through your adult life you will attract those very people who will treat you ‘unlovingly’ so that you will break through your fear of not being loved as your parents did (I’m saying parents here, it could be just one or just someone you loved and looked up to as you grew up). Now to complicate it further, your expectation (and we all have them), is to find a partner who will love you AS YOU WANT THEM TO. So that you don’t feel that pain again from your childhood…and just as they too want to be loved and not have ‘their’ fears triggered by your actions. Complicated…oh yes…but…it makes us want to be in that ‘love and happiness’ we always search for, so we face our fears in others and face it and face it…until we begin to see that it isn’t in them but in us. And we start to look deeper to understand why we demand the un-demandable. If someone said to you…I don’t want you to say you love me ever again…because of their fears, you would be gobsmacked. But that is what we do to others when we want that love ‘our way’, ever asking them to love us this way or that to avoid our fears, those pains that seem to ever be there. He does it in denial, you in expectation (in a general sense, but it can be either way. We all expect, wherever it may come from). This journey is taking us through all those ‘conditions’ we place on ourselves and others by our fears. And as we understand them, like anything we understand…we let it go. Until we reach that place inside us, understand the fears that have always driven us…and ‘let go’ into that unconditional love. That has always been there, just covered over by those fears. Understand what drives those very expectations in looking deeper into our fears…and you are free. Totally, utterly free, and in a love that there are no words for in its beauty. Worth it? Every single step 😀❤️🙏🏽

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      • You are quite an insightful man! Thank you for all of that. You have helped me see some more of the parts I played. No, I would not want to go back to who I was then. The freedom of forgiveness and truth is too meaningful to give up. Interestingly, I was raised (in large part) by a man, so I wasn’t a girl geared towards softness and mushy emotion. When I first met this particular man, I was still not at ease in the world of ‘feeling’ nor was he. Maybe that was comforting to each of us at the time and forged the initial bond? After I had the spiritual awakening, I was pretty immediately opened in the feminine ways. (In my relationship, that would create a wedge between us.) Isn’t that something though? It seems to point to a core, divine contrast in the feminine/masculine apart even from the constructs of society…this is super fascinating. I’m going to explore this for sure ❤

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      • That upbringing can have its own issues Samantha, it probably gave you a stronger independence, a more male influence and that can ‘take away’ a mans worth in your partner (not intentionally). He will find it a little more difficult to ‘be there’ for someone who is ‘already there’ and has her own support in that independence. And yes, you would have bonded more in that shared place…but…life will always have differences, no two upbringings are the same, even within the same family. And in your awakening it can separate us. You initially attracted each other by what you were, but we ever change. Someone who understands something within themselves will let go so much. That is why after being through something so powerful, like a divorce, a bad accident, a shock from an event…it will change us and sometimes quite profoundly. You will have seen many people after these type of things and they change, and sometimes quite dramatically. And usually because after going through these things we let go so much, see that what we had carried before really no longer has any purpose so let it all go. And that can have such a profound change that our partners are at a loss where we have gone, why we are where we now are and it can take some time for us to digest this let alone those around us. Even our children who truly find it difficult because they don’t have the emotional maturity that we have. But those many differences are the making of us, allowing us to see who and what we are as we experience them.
        It is a long journey Samantha to find us, but in the end when we see and understand…we would do it again in an instant, it is that profound 😀❤️🙏🏽

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