It would be a 3-year long legal process that would end with this man being sentenced to 30 years in prison. Since it was a federal case, he would have to serve every single day of that time. I would be given the opportunity to make a Victim’s Impact Statement. The content of which was something I would ruminate on for years…

(And down the rabbit hole I go…)

I thought about the detective’s words, “This is a very bad man.” Like that was the explanation…period. Lock him up. Throw away the key. Let the other inmates have him. Move onto the next…

Is it as simple as that? Is it as complex as that?? Complex because we know now what he was doing in the dark, but there’s nothing simple about that, is there? Simple in the way we label a human, but how does one get so complexly dark?

“One of the dangers of being disconnected from your own suffering is that it fosters desensitization of the suffering of others,” Marianne Williamson.

It is effortless to brand someone with a label based off their actions and put them into the appropriate category, most commonly “good” or “bad.” A concept comparable to that of Nathaniel Hawthorne in “The Scarlet Letter,” which he explored brilliantly. As if labels and categories miraculously make it easier to understand and define the comprehensible and incomprehensible alike (yet, to define with words the depth that comprises pivotal experiences feels impossible).

Those of us who don’t do things as bad as the “bad” do, are automatically “good.” And we readily accept that with little contemplation…prematurely maybe, in my observation. It’s shallow, no? If you truly think about it…but anything to justify our own existence I guess…

It occurs to me that “lost” is maybe a more honest word for the “bad” one’s. Though, I don’t know if “found” is true for the “good.” Perhaps…

It also occurs to me that many we have put in the good category may not actually be good. And many in the bad category are not actually bad. Good, bad, right, wrong…these are just words. There are deeper implications to consider…

Despite my ramblings, clearly this particular individual was about as lost as one can be and not safe for society. Not at this time anyway. I even did some research on sexual abuse…both the effects on the victim and how a perpetrator gets there in the first place. When thinking about the fact that I would ultimately be addressing this man, the answer that I was searching for was, are people with this defect actually able to change?

He was going to get out. There was nothing I could do about that. This man would be 57 when he’s released, hardly incapable of causing more harm. It mattered that I address him thoughtfully. It mattered that we not fall further into the “prey trap,” becoming inert in anger. It mattered to not deliver dismissive statements to BIG problems. It mattered to ask myself uncomfortable questions and feel the uncomfortable feelings that accompany doing that. This fucking mattered.

There would be no winners. Not really. Justice is just another word without meaning until you give it some by adjusting your conduct and trusting that ultimately the “right” thing always happens. If you can muster the fight it would take to aim past the “victim” label, you can use the unjust experiences of life to help others. Perhaps it is in the helping of others and the freedom of forgiveness that we find our justice (as far as I can tell at least).

Without fail, there is a price to pay for using your suffering as a weapon to hurt others and, therefore, causing more suffering. I know this firsthand as, at one time, the unconsciousness of my own pain dictated that I do the same. In this case, the price of hurting others cost 30 years in federal prison where there would likely be layers upon layers of more pain for him to be had. And, if he does live to see the outside world again, who knows what life would look like for him out here. Probably not pretty. Especially with the initial reaction to a human labeled “pedophile” being anger…rage…understandably, justifiably even, he would pay. Is there anything weaker or lower than to take advantage of a child?

BUT what if my old childhood belief holds true? What if Good really does live in each of us…buried somewhere beneath all the wreckage of our apparent malevolence? I will speak to The Good…

I finally settled on the following statement:

My daughter shared with me that he stole her happiness, a heart wrenching statement.  She was exposed to a part of this world that is ugly and selfish and scary for anybody, let alone a child.  She was exposed to things that are difficult to imagine for a mother who thought she was doing everything she could to protect her child in life…a mother whose child’s happiness and safety is the goal of each and every day.  It was an experience that I couldn’t fathom beforehand because of my lack of understanding technology and lack of considering the innate vulnerability of a child in this world fully.  Ultimately, I hold myself responsible as well.

Along with her innocence, her view of the world has been changed forever.  People are not all inherently good and, sadly, we need to be conscious of that daily while trying to not live in fear at the same time.

As a mother, this experience just purely broke my heart.  That someone could use, abuse, and take advantage of a child in the sickest way possible…makes my stomach hurt and heart ache to this day.  The incident cannot be erased, but we have learned many lessons and will not let our happiness be stolen permanently. 

We sought counseling in the time after the incident and learned many wonderful tools to help us deal with the emotional effects of the crime.  To date, we are closer than ever as mother and daughter and still speak of the crime periodically to ensure healing.  My child has been thriving with very little access to devices and the internet (besides school related laptop).  Her self-confidence and self-worth have grown in leaps and bounds since receiving the appropriate help and discovering other interests that she’s passionate about.

To the defendant, when you are released, you will still be physically capable of committing the same type of crime again.  As per my research, very few defendants who carry with them the demons that you carry, are able to truly change.  It is my greatest hope that you will beat the odds.  You have our forgiveness as I truly believe that you wouldn’t have hurt all of these children unless you yourself were hurt too.  That fact allows me to have compassion for you. 

Examine your story.  Examine yourself.  Every day do something that takes you further from the dark and closer to the light.  Use these years wisely.  Please.  Find the good in you and hold on tight to it.

~

I wasn’t happy with it, but it was the best I had…

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