Between the two of us, things were good initially. We were happy, in love and excited for our future. Outside of us, however, “things” were on a steady decline…pretty swiftly, life was flipping the script this time. If I didn’t know any better, I would think that we were cursed…

Though we talked every day, we saw each other rarely. In fact, in the two years we would be together this time, we saw each other an average of about once every two weeks. I was hesitant to bring my daughter around him in the beginning…out of instinct. Though once we did start bringing everyone together, she loved it. She loved him and his boys with that lovely open heart of hers…

~

Sweet daughter…Oh, how I love thee!!!

Before I got pregnant, I dreamt of a little girl…a little girl with a puffy, fur-lined coat…she was in the snow, and she was playing, and she was delightful…like a little eskimo. My husband, at the time, had a similar dream.

My ex is a good man. We met in AA and got together when I had about two years sober. We separated for a number of reasons, the general reason being the typical one you hear about…we grew apart. My daughter was young, still in diapers.

But pregnancy was a happy time! I was told early on by an ultrasound tech, that I was going to be having a boy. We were ecstatic! I knew boys. I knew I could mother a boy. Most definitely. My son was going to have the best life.

Fast forward a few weeks at another ultrasound appointment by a different tech…”See? Look! A girl!!”

Wait…what? A girl? A girl?! I was suddenly petrified! Literally paralyzed…I couldn’t move. I knew I could be a good mom to a boy, but a girl? I had no idea how to mother a little girl. I wasn’t disappointed necessarily, just had to start processing the fact that my baby was going to be a girl.

I walked to the car…stunned. I sat in the driver’s seat and turned the key. This song had just begun playing…

Whew…thank you, God. I can do this. I CAN do this! I won’t miss any opportunity to tell her how much I love her…how amazing she is. I can be all the things to her that my mother couldn’t be to me. I can stay sober. I can be there for her physically, emotionally, mentally…in all the ways! I can be there for her. I can love her the way she deserves. She will never experience the things in life that I did. I will protect her with every last bit of my lioness heart. Determined…

I remember talking to Betsy about the fear that came over me in that moment. She wasn’t a mother, but she had a good mother. She told me all the things about her mom that she thought made her a good mother…she made me promise that I would sing to my daughter every night…

On the evening she was born, we were surrounded by people that cared about us and were so excited to meet her…my parents, his parents, one of my brothers. She had just gotten here and, already, she had an army behind her and love beyond words…my heart, overflowing…

After everyone left, it was just her and I alone in our own room. She slept in my arms, and I just watched her. I wouldn’t let the nurses take her to the nursery. I wanted her with me. For three days, I didn’t sleep. I watched…Betsy came and left. Her father came and left. And I watched, amazed…my baby, my daughter.

Who would she become? What would her personality be like? What would she look like? What would her passions be? What would she love? Who would she love?

We took her home on the first day of spring and there was still snow on the ground. It was a full house, her army. There was food and flowers and lots of pink baby girl things…once the house was empty, I took her to her bedroom and nursed her on a gliding chair. I promised her I would always be there, and no one would hurt her or take her away from me ever, as long as I could help it. I told her that we would never be separated. And I cried in the hopes that that could come true. Then, I sang to her.

Betsy and her husband were amazing with her, which surprised me. I had never seen them around a baby before and the way they naturally loved her, blew me away. They were quick to offer to watch her so that we could go to meetings. Once, after a meeting, I stopped back at their house to pick her up and found that she was sound asleep on Betsy’s husband’s chest. They were in a rocking chair in front of a burning fireplace, and it was a scene that stopped me in my tracks…I stood silently for a time, just overcome by quiet gratitude. As a new mother, I didn’t know much, but I knew there was unconditional love there…true, true love…and what more could I ask or desire for my child?

We discussed it and decided to ask them to be her Godparents. I thought it would be so meaningful, so important for her to have a strong woman in her life other than me. Someone she could talk to about anything. Someone that truly loved her and had her best interests at heart. They accepted and took the task seriously.

One thing Betsy loved was Christmas! Her house would be decorated to the nines. She loved to cook and bake and host gatherings. I suppose many people do this, but there was a distinction in the way Betsy did it. It wasn’t something she did for show (though it was showy). It wasn’t done stressfully or like it was a lot of work (even though it was). It was done from her heart, the way everything else she did was. And you could feel it. Her home felt good and smelled good and looked good. It was warm, inviting…pure.

On her last Christmas, she came up with the idea of starting a tradition for my daughter…we would bake cookies together every year. We must have baked a million cookies that Christmas! Chocolate Chip, Sugar, Peanut Butter, Double Chocolate, Oatmeal, White Chocolate Macadamia…my daughter was not quite 2 years old then, so she didn’t do much baking and has no memory of that day, but I continue to honor our tradition and remind her each year where it came from…

Betsy also had horses and she loved them. She bought my daughter an antique rocking horse for her first birthday and always said that someday she was going to buy her a pony of her own…which amazes me now…it’s like she knew…

My daughter loves horses! It’s her number one passion in life. She draws horses, reads about horses, writes about horses, watches horse videos. Her whole room is horses…pictures of them, toys, statues, blankets and pillows. She would ride every day if she could and has even started saving money towards buying her first horse, which will be named Serendipity (n. a happy accident)…

“Horse symbolizes the wind, loyalty, devotion, unconditional love, friendship and companionship. He is your warrior spirit, giving safety in your physical and metaphysical journeys.”

This child is a person that is endlessly fascinating to me…

(And if there is anywhere I have failed in this memoir, it’s here…where are the words to depict the experience of this type of love??)

The way that the cells came together to create this being…She’s open and emotionally capable. She’s resilient and quietly confident. She’s strong, but soft. She’s loving and discerning and, somehow, understanding when it comes to others. She’s sensitive, but also brave in spite of her fears. She’s beautiful and continuously creative and funny and outgoing when she feels safe in her surroundings. She makes me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever known. She automatically gets things that took me decades to figure out. It’s like she already had important information when she got here…

And…I just wish the world would have left her alone.

Like all of us, though, there would be things to come, lessons of her own to face that I would not be able to save her from…some because of the nature of life itself, the nature of human darkness, and some even because of my own lack of awareness at times…

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