In Alcoholics Anonymous, there’s an expression, “A head full of AA with a belly full of booze.”  Meaning that if you drink again after a period of sobriety, it will never be the same again. AA will ruin your drinking.

It describes my state then perfectly.  Only it was, “A soul full of awareness with a human full of struggle.”

My love had gone again.  I had experienced this huge awakening, but anger crept back into my heart…I was mad at him for not growing fast enough. I was mad at what became of my cousin. I was mad at my job.

I didn’t consciously know at the time that I was learning about integration…knowing my shadow, while also emerging my light.

We would be apart this time for almost 3 years. In these 3 years, 3 people who were of great importance to me would face cancer…only 1 would survive…

~

I applied for a job at a greenhouse and said, “Deuces,” to corporate America. It felt incredible to be out of that cubicle! To get my hands dirty and be surrounded by life, was both grounding and uplifting. The trajectory of my life was instantly changed and would be furthermore, as this is where I found Rena…

“Rena,” a name meaning melody…this makes me giggle looking back…she was more of a discord when we first met.  A real life hurricane…

I’ve known Rena for exactly 2 years.  When she asked me to write her eulogy, I wasn’t sure that I was qualified, but felt highly honored to do so.  In these 2 years, I witnessed a transformation take place in her that leaves me in awe.  It is my aim to articulate this to the people she loved as true to the experience as possible…

It was the first day of spring when we met.  I was hired to train to be a Plug Grower at a local greenhouse.  Rena was the Plug Grower I would be training under.  In the interview, the manager cautioned me that she was a tough one.  I found out soon enough that he wasn’t lying!

Rena was a phenomenal grower.  It was obvious that she loved the art and nurturing aspects of the job.  It was beautiful to catch her lost filling her creative urges with her guard completely down.  There were touches of Rena everywhere…planters in the office, in the chemical room, various places outside.  We would sneak out to work in the front gardens every chance we got.  She loved to be surrounded by beauty.  The way she expressed herself in this way, was a gift that truly made a difference.  It mattered.

One day we were planting Pansies and I told Rena that I never understood the appeal of them.  That they were so…blah.  She looked at me blankly for a moment, then turned to the flower.  She put her finger under one single petal and gazed at it for a time.  The way she looked at that petal was poetry in itself.  “It’s like God picked up a paint brush and deliberately added each detail himself,” she said.  In hindsight, I wonder if she saw herself in them…with their strength and resilience.  I’ll never see a Pansy the same way again.

It wasn’t always so easy between us.  Initially, Rena had a lot of anger and aggression and an armor she wore as if every day she was going to war.  She protected herself thoroughly from outsiders, from pain, from getting too close…not realizing then that the battle stemmed from within.

We bumped heads a number of times, ego to ego.  One day in the midst of her armor to mine, something big happened that can only be described as divine intervention.  I looked at her and saw me.  Beneath her anger was such pain.  She had experienced so much pain that her life had become one of survival, as had mine.  She never actually meant to hurt anyone.  Quite the opposite.  She was just protecting herself and living life the best she could at that time.  Our relationship changed instantly.  This was the beginning of a bond and of a love that I never saw coming.

They say that pain is the touchstone to all spiritual growth.  I can attest to this from my own suffering, but never had I seen it so clear as with Rena.  Her soul has left this world a being changed for the better.  And I will be forever changed for having witnessed it.

Slowly, piece by piece, the armor came off and miraculous things started to happen.  She truly blossomed!  There was a new lightness in her step having been able to shed so much that didn’t serve her anymore.  Not that she didn’t have regrets that hurt, but that she was willing to make right all her wrongs.  She was so kind that she would approach strangers in distress, offering help or a hug in spite of what people thought about her.  She secretly gave clothing and food to people that she knew didn’t have any.  She made people cry on numerous occasions by telling them the good she saw in them.  Slowly but surely, she became fearless with her heart.

She wished that everyone could awaken the way that she did and taste the serenity that comes as a result.  She wished that others could see that in this way, our pain is our greatest gift.  Those that hurt us the most, are our greatest teachers and that’s something to be grateful for.  But in order to realize this, we have to look within and be willing to heal our wounds.  Recognizing all the while, that it will always be about progress, never perfection. 

Rena had recently developed an affinity for the Tree of Life and its symbolism.  Upon some simple research, I have discovered the following…The Tree of Life is a symbol of a deep connection to all things.  We are not out here on our own.  We depend on each other in order to grow.  It is a symbol of family…seeds grow, branch out, and create fruit that will give new life.  It is a symbol of our expansion as unique individuals.  Flexible trees are able to withstand the greatest of storms…

Rena expressed to me that all she ever really wanted in life was an end to her suffering…physical, mental, emotional.  She had a longing for peace that was palpable.  And in the end, she chose love and so…she was able to “stand in peaceful waters” (her favorite saying).

One of the last conversations I had with Rena, she told me the following, “I just want people to see the good in their lives.  I want everybody to be happy.  I want them to see the world through different eyes…realize that you don’t have to be mean to each other to find what you’re looking for.”  And in a separate text conversation, “Hopefully I have spread some light and enough love to soften the hearts of other people to give hope and encouragement.  To try to be kinder to each other and make the world a better place.”  Through and through, she did just that and I’m so thankful to have known her.

Oh, my dear “buddy” (this is what we called each other)…her husband was dying of lung cancer.  Her plan was to move back to Indiana to be with her children.  That’s why I was replacing her.  But in the midst of this, she was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer…she had no one else here.  I took her to all her appointments.  I didn’t want her to be alone.  A part of me hoping that someone would do the same for my mother (who now lived across the world) should she need it.

Thank you, Buddy…