I had a number of unexplainably non-coincidental dreams at this time. The first came early, within 2 months of Betsy passing. I was out to dinner with her husband. We were sitting across from one another. Betsy was standing behind me. I was watching this unfold outside of my body. He was talking to me, telling me something that I couldn’t hear. Betsy remained standing, but hung her head in sorrow and slowly started shaking it back and forth. I specifically remember the undertone of sadness.

Shortly after this, her husband called me to go out to dinner. He sat across from me and told me that he had begun a relationship with someone. Someone who had been a friend of Betsy’s. Oh my…the sadness…promptly piercing me in the chest like an arrow to a bull’s eye. Sadness for Betsy, for him, for myself…just heartbreak, utter heartbreak all around. I knew that my friendship with him as I knew it, was over. It was pretty immediate that the coffee and meals and talking ceased. He told me that it was too painful to be around me. That when he was around me, he could feel her.

The floodgates burst open…now I knew and understood the full impact of her being gone. Essentially, I had lost two people who meant the world to me at the same time. The darkness ensued…

I was now on my own, completely and absolutely alone…free falling. I had never been in a space quite like this before. Not that I hadn’t experienced darkness before this time of my life. I’ve certainly had my fair share of demons to battle. I had narrowly escaped death countless times throughout my addiction, even though I would have welcomed it gladly. Only by the end, I learned that there was a way out. Through desperation, I found the tiniest speck of faith that maybe there was another way. And there was…

This was different…I had no answers. I saw no way out. This was like my insides were uprooted by a tornado and brutally beaten to nonexistence, then abruptly returned to my body. There’s no running away from this kind of pain. Trust me, I tried…I tried to fill the void. The hours and hours every day spent in mass confusion and emptiness and despair was too much. I was practically dysfunctional and paralyzed by fear…lost in the world and wanting out. I couldn’t numb the pain anymore with drugs or alcohol, so I ran into the arms of a man (or a few) purely looking for an escape. It didn’t work. At the end of the day, I was still alone in my bed, in my skin, in my head. That ended 7 months later with me punching a guy in the face (so much for love, huh?).

It was around this time that I had another pivotal dream. I dreamt that I was alone in a field of wildflowers surrounded by woods. It was sunny and warm and bright and breezy. I was looking around in wonder, savoring it, but not knowing why I was there or how I got there. I turned around and Betsy was standing there with a gentle smile on her much younger face. She was wearing a flowy white dress that moved with the wind. She motioned for me to follow her, and I did. We started walking through the field. No words were exchanged. It felt as though time didn’t exist. We were just walking and walking and walking in ease. I can tell you that I was overcome with sheer peace…unlike any feeling I had ever experienced in my whole entire life. Like I found my place, somewhere I belonged (at last). Eventually, we came to the edge of the field and entered the woods. The woods were much denser naturally, darker too, but we just kept going. We came upon a very tall, old stone wall. I stopped in hesitation and watched Betsy as she began to climb it. She was about halfway up when she looked down at me and waved for me to follow, letting me know without saying, that it was ok. When I reached the top, Betsy was gone. I remember there was an old stone house just yards away from me, then I woke up.

This dream impacted me immensely and immediately. I knew that Betsy was showing me where she was and that she was ok, beyond ok. I knew that she was telling me that I would be ok too. That I just needed to keep going. I had to keep moving forward no matter what…no matter how I felt or what I wanted to do. I just had to keep going. These are some of the fundamental things that Betsy had taught me early on in our relationship and I believe that she came to remind me.

This gave me all the strength I needed to go on. Not that it still wasn’t hard or painful. There were times that the pain of losing her would hit me and physically hurt inside (still to this day). Only I started to fit in my skin a little better than ever and believe a little stronger. I had a new perspective on life, knowing that there was somewhere incredible to go after it was all said and done. I knew it so deeply, that I wanted to go back there. I yearned for that experience again. Not in a suicidal, state of desperation sort of way. I was ready for peace…ready to go where I belonged. I started to question, why life at all when there was somewhere as real as that? What’s the point of all this?? I was far from having it all figured out, but I was onto something big. I could feel it. I stopped running from it all and started walking through it.

I was in this space for probably about 3 months. Just moving forward, not really knowing where I was going, but believing that no matter where I ended up it was going to work out fine. I focused on being a good mom, helping other women, going to school, working. I was doing alright for the first time in a long time…and then there was “him…”

~

If you’ve had a similar experience with dreams, please share it (for that matter, share anything you want here). I find this so incredibly amazing!