My daughter’s father got sober again and did the things that people in recovery are “supposed” to do. He got a good sponsor and was going to meetings. My daughter was happier, and we talked about the experience often while hoping for healing. Over time, trust was rebuilt, and it started to feel safe again. We eventually got back to the original visitation schedule.

One area of contention there that I personally always had a hard time with was the filling of the void with “things”…the inability to have a meaningful relationship fully…an attempt to make up for it on a surface level. Not that there isn’t love there, because I know there is. I worry, though, about what beliefs that would instill in my child…

That Christmas, her father talked to me about getting her an iPod. In my limited experience, an iPod was something that played music. He told me that was true, but that it could also be connected to the internet and there were certain kid’s apps she could get. She would be able to message us. I resisted because I never liked the idea of children with these devices and because my gut was speaking to me deep down. I didn’t have a full understanding of that world either and I knew that. I eventually approved under certain conditions…limited time spent on the device, watching everything she did, etc.

Between my love and I, we were together (not much physically, but in relationship) continuously for the longest we had ever been before. We usually spoke every day, all throughout the day and especially at night. When we were together physically, things were being illuminated that I had not ever seen before…we were actually vastly different too…in the way we approached people and the world, the way we thought, and even how we did things generally. I didn’t take it in a negative way then though, but it was a surprising realization. In some ways, it helped me to learn how to think bigger in the practical sense…contemplating words like discipline, integrity, potential. In other ways, it created a wedge in our communication, and it would become increasingly more difficult to bridge that gap.

Covid hit around this time, and it was huge for us (and for the world). I personally felt in my element. I was at home with my daughter 24/7. We were homeschooling, creating art, writing, reading, spending time in nature, bonding, laughing…of course, there were moments of frustration and kinks to work out, but we both now look back on this time as a mostly good one.

Many AA meetings were shut down and many people in (and out of) recovery then, had a hard time. Many meetings were online, and some people loved them, while others hated them. Though, if a person is serious about their sobriety, they will find a way to stay sober no matter what. The opposite is also true. Most of my regular meetings were still meeting in person and some friends even started meetings from their homes. I was able to attend just as many meetings as ever. I was generally in a good place and the fear that gripped the world, couldn’t get me. Though my heart did go out to those that didn’t know another way…

I found it both disturbing and fascinating to watch the people around me…I remember going to the grocery store early on and what a bizarre experience it was…everyone masked up, shelves almost empty…I don’t know how many humans I passed while walking up and down the aisles trying to make eye contact with someone, anyone. But not one person looked at me. If anything shook me, it was that…the lack of humanity, lack of connection…the panic…

I had decent longstanding familial relationships that were gone pretty quickly as a result of the fear infiltrating the masses. I was dubbed “crazy” for maintaining a mostly unaffected stance, as most felt strongly one way or the other. It all just felt wrong…

My love was affected in that his meetings were shut down and the things he was doing for himself physically that really helped him, weren’t available to him anymore. He expressed to me how important having a set schedule was for him personally. He said that it was imperative to maintaining his sense of self and integrity, “on the path” as he liked to say.

Currently, though, the idea of putting such dependence on a schedule is questionable to me. Not to say that a routine is bad, just that life consistently requires flexibility. The ability to adapt (I’m pretty sure) is one of the goals. The one constant in life is change and if our moral code is challenged by a change in schedule (or anything at all for that matter), then it may be that there are cracks in that integrity. And it’s not a judgement. It’s just that that’s the very essence of integrity. If we were talking about the integrity of a building for instance, we’re saying that it is structurally sound no matter what natural phenomena shakes it. I always think Will Smith in “Seven Pounds.” Who are you when no one’s around?

The first time he disconnected was about 8 months into our relationship or a month or two into Covid, which, for him, was growth. It used to take almost no time at all. And I can’t remember now what even happened, but I remember that he was gone for 4 days. Just gone. No explanation. I don’t remember either if I reached out first or he did, but I do remember we met at a park near my house and took a walk together.

One reason I was always (eventually) able to reach my compassion for him was because he wanted to be better. He tried. I know that wanting like the back of my hand. So many times, wanting to be further along in life (in myself) than I was in reality. But I just didn’t know what I didn’t know. We develop knowing’s through experience and it’s not something that can be forced. This frustration was evident in him as well.

For me, there was one thing to highlight from this conversation…he was scared that if he didn’t figure “it” out, he was going to be all alone at 40-years-old. This general sentiment was something he came back to regularly…needing a companion, a body, any’body,’ not wanting to be alone. Of course, being a human and all, I understand that. I just simply didn’t feel that way exactly. My feelings were much more specific to him. I didn’t feel like I needed a romantic partner at all. I felt like I wanted one based on a mutual gaze towards something more purposeful than many of the relationships I’ve seen…something deeper than, “You bring home the bacon and I cook and clean the house and let you have sex with me sometimes.” Not there’s anything wrong with that necessarily, but it’s transactional, not relational. And I was there for the love.

It’s important for me to acknowledge that I rationalized this red flag right away. I didn’t see it at all in the moment that it would have been helpful for me to see it. Based off of many, many conversations we’d had, I believed we wanted the same thing. I really tried to understand where he was coming from and would often end up compromising myself in the process. For me to do that to me, was not ok. That’s a line so delicate that it can be easy to miss when in the throes of growth. Yet, that’s the exact way we learn, by missing the mark enough times…experience…

Yet, to not know where your relationship stood at any given moment and that the other could just check out whenever they wanted, should have been a sign to me that it was all wrong. I wasn’t honoring myself fully and neither was he. That’s what the mirror was trying to show me…

Also, in hindsight, the insinuation was always there that I was the one causing the problems with my extensive list of issues (cue the unfurling of the scroll)…my abandonment issues, my inability to believe that someone could love me, my trust issues, my highly crafted self-protection tactics, etc. All still in me by the way…but, I had already learned these things about myself and was actually super aware most of the time. My shell had cracked some time ago by this point and I was growing…in spite of him and in spite of me too. Without knowing, I was growing…

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction,” Cynthia Occelli.

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