“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves,” Plato’s Symposium by, Aristophanes.

I have only ever spoken to him about the details in this chapter and it’s an experience probably better felt than described, but still, I’ll give it my best shot…

I had been seeing the time 11:11 twice a day every day for months.  So often that I had no choice but to notice and begin to wonder what it meant.  I had no idea at the time how to describe it, but I guess now I would say that it was like another nudge…a push to look beyond the numbers…beyond what I could see with my physical eyeballs.

I was scrolling on Facebook one day and an ad caught my eye, “Twin Flames 11:11.”  Now, I must proceed with another warning…at this time the term “Twin Flame” holds no weight with me, and I believe that it’s a concept that can be very misleading and almost dangerous, if in the wrong hands.  I’ve decided to include it here in case others have shared a similar experience and because it happens to be an honest part of my story.

When I clicked on the link, I came across the following: “The Twin Flame connection can seem challenging, but for a different reason than Soul Mate connections.  When twins meet, a process of purification called Twin Flame Ascension is triggered, and challenges arise from the negativity being brought up for cleansing.  Once your energies are purified, uplifted and in alignment (balanced and in harmony), difficulties will subside.”  There was also a list of stages:  Recognition/awakening, ascension begins, learning and evolving together, mirroring/running/chasing, vibrational alignment, union.

By nature, I am not a blind believer. I had never heard these words together before, twin and flame, but something about them struck me deeply. And the more research I did, the more undeniable it became. I couldn’t dismiss that what I was reading, whether it was true or not, was actually describing this relationship exactly. For better or worse, I had met my match.

It’s said that your Twin Flame is your perfect mirror and will reflect back to you everything that’s holding you back from reaching your highest potential in this life. It’s a connection meant to wake you up.  It’s rare, tumultuous at times, and intense (to put it lightly).  They are you, inverted.

“You are my mirror…”

Oh my…he has a soul…he is a soul. It’s his soul…his soul that I love.  Not the person that he was. That’s why he was two different people in my eyes.  That’s why I couldn’t recognize him at times.  That’s why I couldn’t unlove him. The love for him was unconditional because it was real and because it was actually beyond me. The way would never be to relinquish love. It would always be to embrace it. Holy shit!  And if he is his soul, then I have a soul and I am my soul too!

I had obviously heard the word “soul” before and probably even used it in some misunderstood or careless way, but I never knew it like I now knew it.  How freeing!

I promise you, when I next went outside, the world had changed…like it was my first day on earth. It was brighter and more vibrant.  The colors of the trees and the grass, the varying shades of green…lime green to hunter green and every shade in between…to touch a leaf and feel the texture between my fingers and to study it and see the veins under the surface and realize the miracle of the tree. And the color of the sky!  My God…a blue that made me smile from the inside out.  I swear I had not really seen it before!  The sun was so bright that I almost couldn’t keep my eyes open. At the same time, I could feel the heat penetrate my clothing and wash across my skin and filter through my pores and warm me from the inside and out again.  And, oh my…the flowers…if you know me, you probably already know my love for them…and if you love them, I automatically love you too.  The flowers…the colors and the fragrances and the different sizes and shapes…how have I missed all of this?  The birds!  And the bugs!  And all the other creatures here…wow!

I was so fucking free…no drugs or alcohol or men or anyone else involved. Just me.  I was free.

I forgave him…from the bottom of my heart, I forgave him.  I understood now…the love WAS real and that our love wasn’t the problem.  Love would never be the problem (thanks Granddad).  The love was the only real part of our relationship.  The things I did to push him (and everyone else) away and to protect myself, were not me.  They were “me.”  My ego and my fears that were so deeply rooted in my human form, was the lie.  And this was true of him too…true of all of us. And if I never saw him again, it would still be true, and I was incredibly thankful.  I forgave my mother and anyone else who had ever hurt me. I sincerely, but silently asked for forgiveness from anyone I had hurt.  I forgave “myself.”

I then immersed myself in this new knowing…this new world.  I lost interest in the things of my old world entirely.  I came across a list Oprah had compiled of her favorite soulful books.  I bought a bunch of them, turned off the TV (!), put down the phone (!!), and read.  I found some brilliant writers!  All of whom had gone through a similar experience.  Eckhart Tolle quickly jumped to the top of my list as his simplicity was just what I needed at the time.  He wrote of how he was desperately lost in his suffering and just at the point where he was ready to give up, he awakened to what he really was.  He spent a couple years just sitting on a park bench in bliss, and, frankly, I secretly wished that I could do the same.  That was not to be my path though.  I would be needed elsewhere. 

I never stopped going to meetings, but I added some other things like yoga and meditation, and I started writing again.  I had stopped writing years prior when ‘New York’ told me that my writing was too cinematic.  I was just too scared.

I wrote a poem with my daughter and his children equally in my mind.  I turned it into a children’s book and used all of my daughter’s artwork as the illustration for the pages.  We called it, “Where to Find the Magic…”

“Sweet, sweet child…Come, let me give you a clue to the questions you’ll someday have and the answers you’ll wish you knew…”

It felt like I was floating everywhere I went, and I swear I could’ve just floated right out of my body and out of this world whenever I wanted.  Other amazingly otherworldly things happened too.  One thing I can confirm is that angels are real.

I started to write this memoir in an attempt to understand and explore more fully this whole amazing experience…

And then there was him…again…

Ping…the email notification…with a heartfelt apology and a link to the following video:

Most people don’t know this about me, but I have a teeny, tiny Disney princess living inside of my heart and if there ever was a way to reach her, this was it.  Of course, this was something he knew…

Round 10?  11?  Who knows…but here we go once more…